what happens now?

"do you really know the person you're sleeping with?" carrie bradshaw posed this question.

what happens when the person you thought you knew inside out, suddenly shows a side of them that makes you take a step back and realise, you don't know them as well as you thought?

what happens when the person you've been building your dreams/future with, becomes the person who tears them apart?

what happens when you realise this person has become your best friend, confidante, your entire world, and you have no one else to turn to? your friends are his friends. your home is his home. your safe place is him.

what happens when you realise you have crossed way over your side and you've lost your way back? it becomes a one-sided relationship.

so what happens when doubt begins to eat inside of you and you wonder if you've given up far too much to let go now, and yet, you wonder if you should?

and yet, all he can do is get angry when you raise your issue.

so what happens now?

you repress your emotions and stay. because if you leave, you know he won't hurt as much as you will.

oh, rubbish.

my laptop was sent in to be diagnosed and the outcome was somewhat, heartbreaking.

it was not, as i had hoped, a fault of the hard disk but possibly the motherboard gone haywire. which means i would have to fork out about rm1000+ to get it repaired!!

i am well pissed off with myself & toshiba. absolutely pissed. i thought i'd spend a bit more on a laptop so it would last longer and not become obsolete as quick, but nooOOOooo. just under two years and it's decided to retire.

urgh. should've just bought a dell for half the price. so now what? i'm going to get a second opinion before deciding on whether to repair it or just tighten my belt and get myself a macbook instead.
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that's not all the bad news. my grandmother has been admitted into hospital for pneumonia. according to my uncle, she's okay. so that's a relief.

am now twiddling my thumbs waiting for alvin to get back from work so we can go visit her. i may be driving now, but that doesn't mean i automatically have GPS installed in my head, yo. and we all know how FANTASTIC my sense of direction is.

*ahem* shaddup.
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urbanscapes is happening next weekend. i'm hoping to get free tix if i can. sounds like it'll be quite the happenings.

dead romance & design wonders

why do i feel like we're drifting apart although everything is still the same?

perhaps it is because he no longer has 'that look' as often as he used to. or is it because of the lack of cuddles that used to make me feel so appreciated? it could also be the signs of him wanting to be single every now and then. and certainly no more whispers of sweet nothings.

i know, it's almost inevitable for all this to happen as a relationship progresses towards the stale end of the scale, but i don't like it and i refuse to accept it. just like how i refuse to accept that my metabolism is starting to slow down and i need to start exercising.

lesson number one on marriage:
his mum once said to me (in her cute nyonya accent), "marriage is not about love love thing. it is about keeping each other company until you're old. even though we fight everyday about small small things, i know he is a good person."

but the thing is, i WANT that "love love thing". i want it to be the forever, ever ever (ala outkast) thing. who doesn't?

it is because of this, i don't think i'm very good with keeping long relationships. i refuse to grow stale. i want passion throughout, not obligations. perhaps, i really am going to be an old spinster with 14 cats as someone once told me.

oh joy.
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i love looking at interiors. here's some i drool over.

BATHROOM






BEDROOM


love the colour scheme of this bedroom. contemporary shabby chic with a vintage feel.


here's a reason to never get out of bed. a HD plasma tv embedded into your bed. now all you need is a bell to call for food!



another reason to sleep all day. in your very own rocking bed!! i'm so deep in love with this bed.



simple yet curvy in the right places.

new year, new job, new me

i'm holding my breath in anticipation of her answer.

i asked the design house if they would reconsider their figure. and if they do, i've decided to just take it. i've decided to hold on to the passion while i'm still relatively young.

worse comes to worst, i'll work for Godmother and freelance for them instead. that just means i'll have to stay in this country a lil longer than planned.
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i had farewell dinner and drinks with my colleagues last night at J&Rs.

it still feels kinda surreal. i don't think it's quite hit me that i'm actually leaving! i haven't even started packing up my stuff yet.

i told my boss i'd probably come back to the office next week to hang out coz i'll be bored. and i'm really going to miss some of the colleagues i have come to think of as my second family.

i'll definitely miss the lunches full of sexual conversations. and my boss walking around barefoot acting like a hooligan. i'll miss pretending to be pissed off with the servicing people and throwing pseudo tantrums.

but i think the first thing i'll miss is having a cheque to look forward to at the end of the month. hopefully won't be unemployed for too long.

crossroads

i find myself in an unfavourable situation. i've gone on a full ride of emotions - from being pissed to no end, to feeling numb and being unable to care anymore.

and yet, i am unwilling to act upon it simply because it would be rather inconvenient.

part of me wants to stay. but part of me says, there's no point. i am expecting more than i can be given. there is no future here. it is continuing to walk on a road with a dead end, hoping that you are mistaken.

priorities. everyone has a different list. unfortunately, i know i'm not up there on that list.

despite knowing all that, i'm still here. afraid that if i let go, everything else will crumble all around me and i'm just not ready to deal with that.

emo-nya. and i'm not even PMSing.

it's not helping that my stomach is being a bitch and my bowels are threatening to let loose an avalanche. damn steamboat.

u know that feeling where you were pissed off for so many little reasons, and now you can't remember why you're pissed? that's where i am. i'm just over it. tired of being angry and disappointed.

perhaps i shall try and get some sleep.

nineteen fifty seven

yes yes. the third instalment of the bangkok trip is coming.

it's been a super crazy week with non-stop jobs at work. i can't bloody wait til friday!! not because i'm really that patriotic (sadly) but simply because i'm tired and i want a proper weekend!

merdeka. i remember when i would get excited about merdeka. my grandparents would take me to merdeka square to join the masses and watch the fireworks, performances and be part of the parade. my grandfather would carry me around on his shoulders, so i could always see what was going on, even if he got tired.

i have a wave of nostalgia washing over me now as i recall those days. when my mum had left the country and my dad couldn't afford to take care of me. my grandparents were my guardians. my protectors. my surrogate parents.

and so, this merdeka, i will celebrate. not the country's independence, but my grandmother's birthday. and commemorate my grandfather who passed away three years ago.

awaken the morning grouch

why bother asking someone if everything is alright when you'd rather not talk about it? you ask me what's the problem. i tell you. all you do is keep quiet and i wonder if you're even thinking about what i've said. or do your thoughts simply wander off into the mundane so you can avoid the issue?

even worse. sometimes you just shrug it off and make a joke out of it, hoping it will divert my thoughts so we won't have to face the issue. how mature.

as long as YOU are happy, everything is fine. that's selfish love. you love, to be loved back. you love, to feel good. you love, temporarily. sometimes i think, it's better to have no love than selfish love.

prove me wrong.

in a traffic jam

before i start rambling, i'd just like to say... having a double eyelid is not cool.

yes. i said *a* double eyelid. over a week ago, i had conjunctivitis (again) and my left eye developed a double eyelid. i figured it was due to the swelling of my eye so i've somehow managed to live with it. but the swelling's gone and so has the conjunctivitis.

the double eyelid hasn't. it now looks as if i went under the knife to get double eyelids and ran out halfway. it looks damn retarded.

funny thing is, just before this happened, i really wished i had double eyelids and wondered what i'd look like. now i half-know. it looks retarded. be careful what you wish for.

ok. now for emo ranting.

i've come to the conclusion that life is like a traffic jam. donkey would rather liken life to a rolling ball though.

Karipap... says:
and how do you relate traffic jam to life?
.+. a l y s i a .+. life is like a traffic jam. says:
it can be slow-going. it can be at a standstill where you're stuck with nowhere to go.
.+. a l y s i a .+. life is like a traffic jam. says:
it can be frustrating to no end
.+. a l y s i a .+. life is like a traffic jam. says:
and then the traffic clears and it's all good
.+. a l y s i a .+. life is like a traffic jam. says:
and just when it's all good... you find yourself facing another bloody traffic jam
Karipap... says:
why not life is like a ball rolling along the road... sometimes smooth going, sometimes bumpy, along the way it picks up shit... then you roll and roll and the shit falls off... sometimes roll down valley or up hill..
.+. a l y s i a .+. life is like a traffic jam. says:
how can u roll up a hill??
Karipap... says:
it's a motorized ball smart ass
.+. a l y s i a .+. life is like a traffic jam. says:
-_- oh. right. times have changed
.+. a l y s i a .+. life is like a traffic jam. says:
haha

i maintain it's more like a traffic jam. at least, that's how i feel at the moment.

ever since i've entered the rat race and moved back to this place we call a developing country, i've felt like i'm losing my 'self' - the self that makes me who i am.

bleh. lazy to ramble.

don't chase me. unless you're ready to catch me.

that is my favourite quote from grey's anatomy because i can totally understand and relate to it. in fact, i can totally relate to meredith's character. daddy issues.

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i'm done.
i'm pulling back.
no more reaching out.
i'll be here but we can meet halfway.
i'm so weak it makes me sick.
i hate that i'm so into you.
i hate that i care so much.

but i can't hate you.

couch paralysis

bambi and i have just spent the entire day... and i mean ENTIRE day, watching the second season of grey's anatomy. fourteen hours straight of grey's anatomy.

i never got into it before, but today was the turning point. talk about hedonism.

i have a headache from watching so much tv. my body just can't handle it.
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why do we promise never to hurt the person we love? it's an empty promise because you can never guarantee it's a promise you will keep. you may somehow, inadvertently hurt them without knowing it, and there goes your promise out the window.

not meeting their expectations. being less of a person than they thought you were. not making enough or as much effort as you're putting in.

these things cause hurt too - a continuous, dull aching as opposed to the sharp pain you feel when someone cheats on you or dumps your sorry ass.

we forget that.

and so we suffer in silence. because it's just a dull ache that can be suppressed with sufficient distractions.

the glare of reality

it can be a sudden shock to the system when you realise you've been living in an illusion, caught up in the web of your own desires. then slowly, the illusion melts away, leaving you in the glare of reality.

a glare so bright it hurts.

you try to crawl back into your fantasy world, but no matter how hard you try, it's never the same. the fabric has been torn and can never be repaired.

yet, you still persist to live in that illusion. a temporary happiness to ease the pain and salve your wounds.

actions of a fool. a fool who knows his/her actions will only result in more hurt and damage.